Breaking the Silence: Bridging the Void of Marital Miscommunication

Lifestyle website YourTango.com conducted a survey and found out that poor communication is the most common factor that leads to divorce. Couples considering divorce cited the top communication complaints as nagging/complaining (70 percent), lack of expressing sufficient appreciation (60 percent), lack of validation for feelings and opinions (83 percent), and a spouse not listening or too much talking about themselves (56 percent).

Four Reasons that Can End a Relationship

Some relationships can end without couples even knowing what went wrong and others can fail with great fury.  Every relationship is unique, and if it does end, it can for a variety of reasons.  One of the most common reasons for break ups, cited by authorities and couples alike, is the communication styles used or “not used” day to day.  Experts in love and relationships usually agree that the best way for a marriage to last, is to improve the communication within and for your spouse to be your main priority.

It is important to note that communication issues can be the biggest factor that separate couples.  A research conducted by John Gottman, a professor emeritus from the University of Washington, reveals the four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.

  • Criticism: Somewhat different than complaining, criticism is essentially an attack on one’s partner in general.  It implies that something is wrong with the other spouse, making him or her feel assaulted, unworthy, or “picked on.”  Criticism is a detrimental element in a relationship because neither the husband nor wife feels accepted or wanted by the other.
  • Contempt: Contempt is the verbal or nonverbal display of disdain, disrespect, or scorn. A contemptuous husband or wife may attempt to belittle, ridicule, or show meanness and total disregard for the feelings of their spouse.
  • Defensiveness: This is unnecessarily defending yourself from a perceived attack by your partner. Instead of listening to what may be a valid complaint or suggestion, someone becomes overly defensive. This can fuel the negativity in an already tense environment.
  • Stonewalling: Is when a spouse withdraws from the conversation, either by physically leaving or appearing to shut down.  As a result, it seems like the one stonewalling does not care, but in truth, they are overwhelmed and may be trying to find a way to calm themselves.  One person wanting to talk and the other one looking for an escape cannot work.

If you notice any of these negative communication styles are increasingly characterizing your discussions, it may be to your advantage to seek counseling and benefit from the many ways a therapist can help you resolve marital conflict.

The Ever-present “Silence in the Room”

Unresolved conflict, disrespect, and betrayal can consume the atmosphere of a troubled marriage and further stifle positive interaction.

In some marriages, spouses prefer to avoid conflict by not bringing concerns up, as a way to keep the peace. While this may quell matters for a while, a couple risks drifting apart and living independently from each other over time.  As a result, the marriage can consist of two parallel lives with little or no interaction, especially if they have children who have moved out of the home.

The unspoken issues and aggravations can mount until the tension hits a snapping point. Eventually, partners can emotionally erupt, or worse, retreat or withdraw.  It can feel like it’s too late to start talking again because the couple may feel they don’t want to save the relationship. There may have been a time when one or both partners worked to have the marriage improved, but because of their poor communication style, the effort failed; and it was decided it is better not to talk at all.

Regardless of who is more aware of this uncomfortable silence, a clear message can be heard, “you do not matter to your spouse.”  Someone is apt to feel unworthy of the others time and attention.

Other Major Causes of Marital Miscommunication

Every marriage is likely to face difficulties, and the most devoted couples can undergo many challenges together. Trying and stressful situations may come along, but there are some factors that can create distance between partners.  Here are some of the major causes:

  • Busyness – Everyone has distractions that can take away the energy needed to devote to their marriage.  You may be pursuing a passion you do not share with your spouse or using work as a shield to avoid home life, this ‘busyness’ can alienate your mate and result in harming your marriage.
  • Seemingly endless conflict – Constant conflict can take away the vitality and safety felt in a marriage. The draining nature of conflict can create distance, especially when couples decide to retreat into their own individual shell.
  • Temptation – Unresolved tension can weaken a couple’s bond and result in one or both people succumbing to temptations outside the home, which may seem to provide the attention being sought at the time.  Other temptations, such as an office friendship or someone met online, can also lead to marital trouble.

If you feel that busyness, conflict and temptation could be weakening your union, consider marriage counseling – it may be the missing ingredient for an enduring marriage.

Break the Silence that is Hurting Your Marriage

Good communication can be the foundation of a successful marriage.  The absence of it or poor communication skills in general, can gradually deteriorate a relationship.  Excluding expressing your feelings nonverbally or other mutually accepted, healthy methods, there really isn’t another way to communicate and resolve issues except through words.  Not only does it prevent learning about each other, it can hinder you from expressing your deeper needs.  The risks of continuous silence can also contribute to the buildup of resentment, and deprive a couple of experiencing more joy together.

Being married or in a relationship dominated by silence usually indicates there may be underlying tension present.  You or your spouse’s inability to express what you are feeling at a given moment can lead to emotional hurt because it can leave the other person feeling unimportant.  As a result, the unexpressed problematic feelings tend to increase until they take on an energy of their own. Too much silence is unproductive and when allowed to persist, the non-verbalized feelings can become painful and result in someone feeling alone, even when you are together.

Fortunately, there is a way to break this silence which has come to characterize your relationship.  It may be uncomfortable at first, and requires an active effort from both spouses, but it can be so rewarding in the long run.  If you find it difficult to initiate communication with your partner, seeking marriage counseling may be the answer. The independently contracted counselors with Carolina Counseling Services – Sanford, NC are available to help you.  One of them is the right fit therapist for you, and can offer a safe, neutral space to help both of you re-connect and bridge the void created by marital miscommunication.  Call CCS – Sanford, NC today to make an appointment.

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