Counseling as an Intervention: Surviving the Marital Crisis

It is normal for couples to experience the high and lows that usually occur when you are in a relationship as close as a marriage.  Any married couple goes through rough patches every now and then and you too may be challenged by problems considered part of life and love.  Over the years, there may be issues that can cause a marriage to get off track, and it is up to you to resolve, live, and adapt to the changes along the way.

A Marital Crisis is Different

More than the bumps experienced down the marital road, couples may get entangled in a marriage crisis when one or both become uncertain to their marital commitment.  A marriage crisis may be something more serious and more difficult than you think you can handle.  A crisis in a marriage can threaten to tear apart the very core of the relationship – love and trust.  It is not something that came out of the blue, but it is generally the result of a problem that has been continually ignored and allowed to get out of control.

Many marriage crises are the result of an issue that has embedded its roots deeply into the relationship.  For example, a husband’s domineering nature may be tolerated up to a certain level.  If a wife is not expressive about her emotions, her mate may eventually despair over their lack of intimacy.  Even though a person’s character can change over time, it does not change quickly enough for couples to ignore the seeds of discord slowly growing.  When couples stop being loving, responsible and honest, there is a real crisis in marriage.

A marital crisis can paint uncertainty in the relationship. It is a point wherein the marriage can either improve or deepen the intense, overwhelming emotions; depending on how couples manage the fragile situation.  Unlike a marriage headed for divorce, a marriage crisis is a struggle between strongly competing emotions and desires.  The ambivalent spouse may have difficulty deciding whether to stay in a relationship, there may be happiness and satisfaction on one side while the other side is cast in doubts and regrets.

The Common Roots of Marital Crisis

A marriage crisis is an unstable condition resulting from an internal problem between or created by a couple.  It is not an externally imposed situation, such as job loss or conflict with in-laws. The common roots of marital crisis are often ingrained in issues that start small and eventually develop into major problems.  It is important to be on the lookout for brewing symptoms because resolving a marital crisis can be painful, long, or even traumatic, if not dealt with immediately.

  • Loss of love and intimacy:  A marriage without love and intimacy is like a vehicle without fuel. The structures and routines, such as parenting and household chores may still be there, but if you and your spouse are alienated or withdrawing from each other, your marriage is experiencing a crisis.
  • Infidelity: Marriage is entrusting your life and heart into the care of your spouse.  If a partner is dishonest or becomes unfaithful, the marriage vow is broken.  Being betrayed by your significant other is a deep and painful wound, and may cause the marriage to spiral into a crisis mode.
  • Irresponsibility: Marriage is a commitment to share life together, including the responsibilities that go along with it to make it work.  When one half of a couple is negligent in shouldering his or her portion of responsibility, the other one assumes a heavier burden that often leads to a marital crisis.
  • Manipulation: Although committed to each other, both partners in a marriage should still cherish their individual freedom in order for love to grow. If you or your mate, however, attempts to dominate each other’s freedom, the problems created by this issue may surface as rage, violence, or guilt.
  • Selfishness: Marriage is about being selfless, empathic, and caring about each other’s welfare. It involves giving up a part of yourself to create something better for your spouse, your family, and your relationship.  If one of you is too caught up in your own personal viewpoints and desires, it can leave the other feeling dismissed, invalidated, unappreciated, or alone.  Self-centered spouses are often the ones that abandon a marriage to look for someone who will treat them as “special” as the way they think about themselves.
  • Lack of resources: Many married couples experience a crisis due to the lack of means to resolve the problems of life and marriage. The relationship may be jolted by serious issues, such as chronic illness or financial bankruptcy, which may be too much for couples to handle on their own. The magnitude of the problem can cause strain on the relationship and may result in a crisis in marriage.

A marriage crisis is capable of wounding you where it hurts most – at the heart of your relationship. The intense emotions can confuse you and make you doubt if you still love each other, or if trust can be restored again. The crisis has created a gap wide enough for a deep sense of alienation to be present in your relationship, making it extremely difficult for you and your partner to resolve the conflict together.  A marriage crisis is something serious that may require counseling.  Seeking marriage counseling is a proactive way to reinforce an enduring relationship.

Seeking Counseling When Love is not Enough

If you or your partner are considering a divorce or separation, chances are your marriage is experiencing a crisis.  Your life has changed in an instant and you may feel like you are at the end of your rope.  You may feel bewildered about how to overcome the intense feelings of anger, rejection, shame, fear, depression and anxiety.  At the same time, you feel so hopeless with pain and hurt that you may want to give up, believing there are no options.

Your mind is probably reeling and you find it difficult to think rationally.  You have every right to feel this way.  The wounds inflicted by a marital crisis are undoubtedly deep and complex, and will take time to heal.  It is extremely painful and traumatic to be emotionally hurt by someone you love, depend on, and trust.

Perhaps the most important lesson a marriage crisis teaches is that it takes conscious effort to maintain a relationship.  Like any other commitment, marriage takes effort and work to make it successful.  However, you need more than love when faced with a marital crisis.  The earlier you acquire the tools to keep the relationship in good shape, the more likely it will last.

If your marriage is enduring a crisis whose roots are deeply seated in one of the internal issues mentioned before, you may want to consider seeking counseling.  So many other marriages, with situations as complicated and painful as yours, have been transformed with the help of a right fit therapist independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Services — Sanford, NC. No matter what kind of marital crisis is causing your emotional anguish right now, counseling can help strengthen your marriage and prevent a divorce down the road. Just make a call to CCS — Sanford to schedule an appointment.

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