Riding Out the Tween Years: Moving From Childhood To Adolescence

Just two or three years ago, you had a cuddly and willing child who would do as they were told, sit on your lap and cuddle without awkwardness, and share their thoughts and secrets without reservation. Where has that child gone? Now that your child is in the tween or pre-teen years (10–12 years old), they may act more aloof and independent, and there seems to be an invisible line you are not allowed to pass.

How you must miss your sweet little girl/boy, but the change has nothing to do with you—it is bound to happen to every child before they become teenagers. While it can be a calmer period compared to adolescence, it has its own challenges that you must know and understand to better support your child.

Preparing for the Storm

Adolescence is the turbulent period that an older child has to experience to become an adult. Prior to adolescence is pre-adolescence, which may be just as challenging with all the changes—physical, emotional, and social—that are happening during puberty. This is the time when children start to spread their wings toward independence and do things on their own. The importance of the family may be eclipsed significantly as they discover the fun of having and being with friends. While tweens are generally compliant in the early stages, they can become more moody and fiercely push the limits of their parents’ rules in the quest for greater independence.

The Pre-Adolescent: What to Expect

This “calm stage” before the storm may not be as easy for you and your child as they approach the border of adolescence. To help them make the move from the tween years to adolescence, you should know what to expect. For instance, changes are normal and inevitable in their development; resisting them will not help and can make things more complicated.

Insofar as their emotions and social interactions/relationships are concerned, their peers will make a strong impact on their life. They are highly social at this age, and it will be emotionally important for them to have same-sex friends. Many parents misinterpret this as giving friends more value than their family.

Around this age, they will be more aware of their bodies, making them vulnerable to image issues and eating problems. Don’t underestimate the effects of their peers and mass media on how they perceive themselves or how they dress. Healthy self-esteem and confidence will help them ride out their tween years and withstand peer pressure with positivity.

Academic challenges also become more demanding and thought-provoking. Since school is their primary source of interaction, failing in school activities can be a major concern for them. It can impact their personal life, as school becomes an obstacle to social life and as peer pressure intensifies. If family and school become second priorities, conflicts and issues may arise. Parents may impose stricter rules and penalties. The child’s school performance may suffer, leading to more restrictions, and the child may become resentful, causing rifts and misunderstandings.

Staying Connected

When your 10-year-old comes home from school in tears, refuses to leave their bedroom, or pushes their plate away, how can you tell what’s troubling them? If they think you are an antagonist or you are “not cool” compared to their friends’ moms or dads, it is probable you will never hear about what’s bothering them. Helping them will be more difficult if a chasm exists between you.

Your child needs you, even if they seem confident and independent. You may not adore their new personality, but losing the parent-child connection at this age is unwise. Keeping your connection is critical to gain your child’s trust. If you find this difficult, a professional therapist can help.

Where to Go for Help

Juliann Garey of the Child Mind Institute says turning away from parents and increasing reliance on friends is something that can be expected from pre-adolescents. Garey cited author and Harvard psychologist Catherine Steiner-Adair, who said, “All too often parents personalize some of the distance that occurs and misinterpret it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behavior.” This kind of perception can be minimized if you understand what’s happening to your child during their tween years.

If your goal is to make your child trust you, it is smart to ask for help from experts. This is the time when your child has secrets that they prefer to share with friends instead of with you. How can you help them if you do not know their issues? How can you make them trust you again and stay connected? Call us at Carolina Counseling Services – Sanford, NC, for your first appointment. Let’s talk about your child’s issues, your parenting style, and how your tween-aged child can ride out the challenges as they move toward the next developmental milestone— adolescence.