When Grief Pulls Couples Apart: How to Stay Connected After Loss

A lot of things can occur in a marriage that affect its overall strength and balance. While financial issues, responsibilities, trust, and caring for one another may be primary concerns, even the healthiest relationships can struggle because of grief and loss. Whether it is the death of a child, family member, a close friend, or a pet, grief can have a huge impact on your relationship.

Grieving in Marriage

The belief that the death of a loved one, especially a child, can be overcome easier by couples because they can rely on each other is not necessarily true. As partners, the two of you have a bond. Losing a child, however, is an experience where each of you must endure your own pain. Although you have lost the same child, the loss felt is unique for each person.

In grief, there is a profound sense of isolation and there is the tendency to focus on your own feelings, leaving you less energy to devote to others, particularly your spouse.  You may not be able to meet all the expectations of your spouse all the time, especially when you are grieving.

Many times, you may expect each other to relieve the pain for each other and when this doesn’t happen, you can begin to feel angry, resentful, hurt, or abandoned. Arguments over trivial matters can pile up and damage the strength of your relationship. Loss is difficult enough, what you may need now is to value, protect and strengthen your relationship. If you cannot seem to achieve this on your own, seeking counseling to stay strong as a couple in times of grief may be beneficial.

In the Aftermath of a Loved One’s Death

Even the best marriages can collapse under the stress of losing a loved one. Death can create a chasm deeper than many losses you’ve encountered.  After the loss of a child, many bereaved couples can experience serious marital difficulties within months following their loss.

The divorce rate for couples after a loss has been the subject of controversy after Harriet Schiff published a book illustrating that 75 percent eventually divorce. The study was challenged by experts until a survey commissioned by The Compassionate Friends found that only 16 percent of the parents divorced either because of the child’s death or due to marital problems present before loss. The majority of the respondents who reported to have sought counseling while grieving, stayed together or built a stronger relationship.

More than intense grief, the loss of a loved one can have another unexpected effect on your marriage. Death can alter the way couples feel about each other. Couples may experience communication problems or intimacy issues. Marriage is a delicate balance and after a great loss it may not be the same.

The Grief Experience

No two individuals grieve the same way, even when experiencing the same loss. Couples who have lost the same child will rarely have the same way of mourning because they likely shared a different relationship with their child. One partner may be very expressive about their feelings, while the other may choose to remain silent. One may demonstrate grief in more outward ways, such as crying, using work to avoid strong feelings, looking at photo albums, or watching family videos.

The intensity of grief can also come in different cycles for each person.  Some may grieve in their own way in private, and some may seem fine, then break down when something reminds them of their loved one. One spouse may find it more difficult to express grief openly, the other may be very emotional, and possibly resent the other for not “caring as much.” Marriage counseling can be an amazing way to find common ground and ways to support each other.

Protecting Your Marriage in the Face of Grief

While grieving can be an uncertain time, you have options. It is possible to work through grief together and come out stronger on the other side. 

You don’t have to face grief alone. Carolina Counseling Services contracts with exceptional licensed therapists who can help. Reach out to CCS in Sanford, North Carolina today to get started!

Our Sanford Office is conveniently located, providing services not only to Sanford but also to Holly Springs, Broadway, Smithfield, Lexington and surrounding areas. Online appointments are also available making getting the quality treatment you deserve – anywhere in North Carolina- easier than ever before!

Providers are in network with most major insurances including Aetna, Aetna State Health Plan, Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina (Blue Cross NC), Tricare, Medicaid, Medicare and many more.

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