A Child in Grief:
Bringing Back the Smile

Picture happiness and the image of a bubbly, lively child can often come to mind. Despite their innate tendency to have a happy, sunny disposition, though, they are as vulnerable to grief as anyone else. Like adults, grief can result from a painful loss. They may also respond to changes with grief, even to those perceived exciting by adults, especially when these entail separation or disruption in their routines.

Grief in children has varied manifestations. They may not be the same as adults. If you are wrapped up in your own emotions given the emotional turmoil in your family, you may miss out the symptoms that your child is immersed in his/her own grief. It may be helpful to know the signs and to seek help right away. Counseling can assist parents in caring for and helping their children recover from grief.

Understanding Grief in Children

Children can indeed experience grief. It can turn their world upside down. It can shake them and, depending on their age, it can cause them to feel various emotions, ranging from sadness, due to a sense of loss, to fear of being left alone or abandoned. It can be unpredictable because it may not follow the usual stages of grief – “denial, sadness, depression, guilt, anger, and finally, relief or recovery.”

Typically, the basis for a child’s response to a loss is their understanding of death. This would mean that its impact would widely vary, depending upon the age and maturity level of the child. Very young ones, like toddlers to under five, may associate it with a deep slumber, from which the departed could wake up or be alive again, possibly like the cartoons they’ve seen. Sensing the loss, however, they may feel abandoned, so they become anxious or become clingy and irritable.

The older ones who begin to realize that death is a closure or the end of life of someone they love dearly, could be more vulnerable to grief. It may cause them undue distress or depression. It may also present excessive fear, while understanding that death is permanent or knowing that they too will one day succumb to death.

Manifestations of Loss in Children

Loss and grief can affect children differently. These can be presented emotionally, cognitively, and/or behaviorally. Some emotional manifestations include anger, desolation, confusion, abandonment, and self-doubt or uncertainty. They may also feel guilt, if they think that they are somehow responsible for what happened or have not spent enough time with the departed loved one.  Unable to understand the loss and everything surrounding it, they can feel confused and afraid.

Grief may also cause an older child temporary regression, wanting to be young like a toddler again, when they have an infantile understanding of death. Not knowing – that death isn’t permanent, or that the loved one is only sleeping or gone for a long vacation – is like an escape from a painful reality.

Unable to handle and overcome grief, it can lead to behavioral manifestations. Children wrought with a misunderstood sense of loss and pain can exhibit irritability, angry outbursts, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, and persistent inquisition about the loved one and what happened before the loss.  They may also exhibit fear of their own frailty, poor performance in academic and non-academic pursuits, psychosomatic ailments, bad dreams, and feelings of helplessness.

Symptoms of Grief to Spot

Grief is personal in each child, they present it in unique and different ways. Aside from their age and level of maturity, their sense of “connectedness” with whom or what was lost can matter, affecting the intensity of their grief. There are immediate reactions after a loss that may be resolved in due time, such as:

  • Regressive behaviors such as thumb sucking or bedwetting
  • Coldness or shock
  • Grumbling, clinging and/or crying
  • Inability to focus
  • Significant changes in sleeping and/or eating patterns
  • Noticeable mood shifts
  • Aggression, meltdowns, hyperactivity and acting out

According to American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), some ways for children to show grief that you must pay attention to are:

  • an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events
  • inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
  • acting much younger for an extended period
  • excessively imitating the dead person
  • repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
  • withdrawal from friends, or other family members
  • sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

If there are red flags to watch out for, these would be the following:

  • Chronic medical conditions arising after the unfortunate loss/death in the family
  • Behavioral issues observed at home or reported by teachers or school administration
  • Signs of self-harm or intention to end life, or tendency to harm others
  • Social isolation or withdrawal and loss of interest in once favored activities or people
  • Nightmares that affect daytime functions

 

Disabling Grief in Children

The effect of excessive grief in children can be volatile. Unable to verbalize their turmoil, they are often left confused and wondering what the pain is all about, or how they can feel better. So, they may seem difficult, as they try to release their feelings in what adults may perceive as unacceptable actions. They can be more demanding as they seek for increased parental care, reassurance and attention. It is possible that they will grieve in spurts, meaning they may burst into tears or other manifestations one moment and seem fine the next.

Unable to release their grief, the overwhelming emotion can also impact their functioning, incapacitating them.  The disabling effect can happen when grief has spiraled downward, worsening into the more “complicated” type. The latter is precipitated, not by when it happens, but usually by how intrusive the experience is in the life of the child. The disabling grief can interfere with the child’s everyday activities and tasks.  It can interrupt their healthy development. It can take away their happiness, clouding their sunny disposition.

How to know that your child’s grief is becoming complicated and disabling? Some warning signs to watch out for are:

  • extended shock and detachment
  • staying “in denial” many months after the painful event
  • continuing physical distress
  • persistent and excessive fear
  • lingering guilt
  • continuing indifference or lack of interest
  • increasing resentment or anger

 

Bring Back Your Child’s Sunny Disposition

Grief has no place in your child’s (or any child, for that matter) life, yet, loss is inevitable. When something so painful happens, your child is exposed to the possibility of pain and grief. While these events may be out of your control, helping your child get back on his/her feet and bringing back optimism are within your power. If you are longing to see your child’s cheerful, old self again, you may need the help of someone who understands child grief – a therapist/counselor independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Counseling Services – Sanford, NC.

With the help of a therapist contracted with CCS – Sanford, NC, your child can be assisted as they go through “healthy” grieving, healing and recovery. As a loving parent/family, you too can be assisted, so you can understand grief and how it manifests in young people and so you can better provide comfort and support during this process. Between you and the therapist and using age-suitable techniques, you can help your child resolve their grief and the other negative emotions that it may be causing. To take away the despair that grief can bring, let an experienced counselor/therapist independently contracted with Carolina Counseling Counseling Services – Sanford, NC help your child. Call today!

Related Articles: