Improving Communication Styles with Counseling

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Sustaining a healthy relationship can be challenging. Communication difficulties are often one of the most cited reasons for concerns in a relationship. Lifestyle website YourTango.com conducted a survey and found that poor communication is the most common factor that leads to divorce. Learning to communicate effectively can improve your relationship, therapy can help.

The Four Horsemen

Some relationships can end without couples even knowing what went wrong and others can fail with great fury. Every relationship is unique, and if it does end, it can for a variety of reasons. One of the most common reasons for break ups, cited by authorities and couples alike, is the communication styles used or “not used” day to day. Experts in love and relationships usually agree that the best way for a marriage to last, is to improve the communication within and for your spouse to be your main priority.

It is important to note that communication issues can be the biggest factor that separates couples. Research conducted by John Gottman, a professor emeritus from the University of Washington, reveals the four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.

  • Criticism: Somewhat different than complaining, criticism is essentially an attack on one’s partner’s character. It implies that something is wrong with the other spouse, possibly leaving them feeling unworthy, or “picked on.” It is natural to have complaints about your partner, however, complaints focus on behaviors. Criticizing your partner rarely ends well.
  • Defensiveness: This is a feeling or “need” to defend yourself from a perceived attack by your partner. Instead of listening to what may be a valid complaint or suggestion, someone becomes overly defensive. This can fuel the negativity in an already tense environment.
  • Contempt: Contempt is the verbal or nonverbal display of disdain, disrespect, or scorn. A contemptuous partner may attempt to belittle, ridicule, or mock the other. This often feels disrespectful and can negatively impact any relationship.
  • Stonewalling: This is when an individual withdraws from the conversation, either by physically leaving or appearing to shut down. As a result, it seems like the one stonewalling does not care, but in truth, they are likely overwhelmed and may be trying to find a way to calm themselves. One person wanting to talk and the other one looking for an escape cannot work at the same time.

If you notice any of these negative communication styles are increasingly characterizing your discussions, it may be to your advantage to seek counseling and benefit from the many ways a therapist can help you resolve marital conflict.

Counseling and Communication

If you notice any of The Four Horsemen at play in your relationship, know that hope is not lost. Communication is learned. Just as you can learn unhealthy ways to communicate you can learn healthy ways as well.

Working with a skilled marriage counselor can get you and your partner talking again. Your communication can improve, and your relationship can be what you both want it to be.

Call Carolina Counseling Services – Sanford, NC today to get started.

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